Monday, April 2, 2012

Blog post delay's

So sorry to my devoted readers...all two of you.

The delayed blog posts are coming this week. It's been a crazy two weeks leading up to the big birthday party. Please be patient and check back later this week for updates.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Week 98

Week 98: Just trying to keep up and fill in the gaps. – Status: Functional.

Your Life: Botox anyone?

You will find this week that the wrinkles under your eyes have become more pronounced. Perhaps this is a normal but you will convince yourself that in a few short weeks your hair will turn grey and your teeth will soon fall out. In the off hours your toddler is sleeping you frantically search the internet for a new hair style, make up tips and decide you will spend the rest of the evening “cleaning out” your closet to make sure it’s fresh and hip. Don’t be surprised if at the end of the day you realize you just “cleaned out” most of the clothes you actually fit into.

Expect to become aware of the ridiculous amount of time and money you’ve put in to make yourself not look like yourself. Those last 10 pounds that you can’t manage to purge after the baby seem to disgust you every time you think about it. Either accept this or get a personal trainer. Either way you are sure to regret your decision. Hey hot mama; at least those shoes are smokin’.

How your baby is growing: Left. Right. No. Left. No. Right.

Yeah, yeah it’s true that children grow fast. Miraculously they are 5 years old in the blink of an eye but the marathon leading up to that seems endless on a day-to-day basis. Wake up, breakfast, clean up, play-do laundry-make lunch at the same time, lunch, read books, toddler nap – you clean up lunch and prep for dinner, clean up morning play mess, fold laundry, prep afternoon snack, think up some brilliant-overly exciting plan for the afternoon to entertain your entire family, execute said plan, dinner, clean up dinner, dance party in the living room, bath time, books, toddler bedtime – you clean the kitchen, scrub floors, clean up dance party, prep for the next day, shower, pay bills, check email, “watch TV” and finally collapse on your bed. This routine can be played out on any given day. If it’s a weekday and you work substitute everything from the first clean-up to dinner with dropping your toddler off at daycare and getting to work, working…etc. It’s amazing to watch them grow but given this intense schedule it can be difficult to really notice.

In a few short days expect projectile vomit to be shot in your arms along with tears and very little sleep. You will spend your time washing soiled clothes, carpets and your toddler as you trudge through a couple days of illness. Your little one is clinging to you because s/he feels miserable so drink some orange juice and wear clothes you don’t mind getting dirty. Your toddler is rapidly working through a long list of viruses and infections to build up immunities. Regardless, in the midst of these you are certain you have arrived in hell. When the last round of laundry is done be sure to have another basket ready.

A Look ahead: The park, birthday parties and other such tragic events.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Week 97

Week 97: Craft corner gets messy. – Status: Shiny.

Your Life: A happy little cloud.

This week you learn the truths and myths about crafting materials. Your toddler will put any medium to the test and along with it, your house. Expect to scrub paint out of your carpets, chalk out of your new coat and find stickers on the kitchen table that refuse to peel off. Yes, folks! It’s arts and crafts time! Good intentions of making a special birthday card to Grandma will go down the tub the instant “washable paint” is slopped on to the living room carpet. Your brilliant ideas will bite you in the ass, as usual.

Never mind the sheer joy your toddler takes in sidewalk chalking your car door, you will be busy vacuuming up every speckle of glitter that got mysteriously dumped into the kitchen cupboard. Forget the traditional smock, wrap your toddler in your own t-shirt and strap him/her to the dining room chair. That babies gonna get crazy with his color mixing and compositional style. Watch out Bob Ross.

How your baby is growing: Open up and say Ahhhh.

By now your toddler may be:

A. Done teething.
B. Almost done teething.
C. Halfway done teething.
D. Nowhere near done teething.
E. Chewing on everything s/he can find.

You have fun with that.

A Look ahead: Is that a grey hair?!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Week 96

Week 96: Ha-ha this-a-way, Ha-ha that-a-way – Status: Grouchy

Your Life: It’s really funny how that’s not so funny.

You become paranoid that your child may never gain another pound now that s/he has refused to eat a full meal in your presence. You will share this with all of your friends and coworkers, who will inevitably tell you that it’s “just a phase”. Pfft…what do they know?! SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! IT MUST BE ME! This is what you will scream in your head as they regale stories of their own children not eating or surviving on air for an entire year. What?! No. That is not happening in your house. All of this information will somehow distract you into thinking that you are obviously a better parent because you are going to make sure your toddler is well nourished; even if you have to trick him/her into eating at every meal.

Expect to have a rocky start to this week with your significant other. While playing a game called “Grouchy Bear” your significant other will make a “joke” that Mommy is always grouchy. Queue the eye rolling and silent treatment. This statement was, in fact, meant to be a joke but since you are covered in banana goo and cleaning up the kitchen after your precious family it doesn’t sound that way in your mind. The temptation to say something nasty in return is buried as you furiously Swiffer the kitchen floor. Eventually the week brings back your sense of humor and with it a reminder that you can’t survive your toddler without help. Bad jokes aside your partner continues to support you even when you’re grouchy.

How your baby is growing: Still a baby.

Somehow just when you think your toddler is no longer a baby s/he does something that reminds you s/he isn’t yet graduating from college. Your toddler will laugh hysterically at a funny face you make while dressing in pjs for bed. No matter how many times you do this face it brings a huge smile and giggle as if s/he is 8 months old again.

You’ll find this is a time of transition for your toddler. Nearing the second birthday with strange behavior and at times these glimpses of what it was like when s/he was an infant. Most days your toddler acts like a total butt-face. The favorite word no is now replaced with a scream or perhaps if you’re really lucky the phrase STOP IT!!! It’s likely all of these special communicators will occur while you’re out in public so that the entire world can observe your lack of parenting skills attempts to appease the dragon.

A Look ahead: Art and crafts time gets real.

Week 95

Week 95: Someone’s Gonna Get Hurt – Status: Hormonal

Your Life: A Bitch-Slap from Karma.

By now, if you are a working gal, you have finally discovered the joys of escaping going to work. Freedom from family stress for 8 glorious hours. There are, of course, exceptions to this bliss. Days when you are sick, your toddler is sick, you have some stressful presentation to do or you have to work for 8 hours and then stay until 9pm for a three hour meeting. By the time you get home from any of these situations you are stretched thin and/or your toddler is already fast asleep in his/her crib. While you crash on to the couch to take a peek at the monitor you suddenly feel an overwhelming since of sadness. Yes, you missed the stressful moments of the day but you missed the most amazing moments with your little one as well. Guilt rapidly consumes you and the waterworks begin. The day before your toddler wanted nothing to do with you which made you feel terrible. You looked forward to an entire day free of child duties and now…karma has slapped your mommy face.

Buck up. The next day will bring the old routine back and you may be wishing for another break. Balancing family, work, friends and freedom is almost impossible. You can’t be good at everything all the time; however you will continue to try which inevitably leads to a private pity party in the bathroom. Expect to work through two meltdowns this week that have more to do with the raging hormones all women are blessed with than the actual situation that’s got you upset. Yeah, there still hanging around years after you’ve given birth. Awesome. I think it’s time for a cupcake with chocolate frosting.

How your baby is growing: Drop-kicking it out of the park.

Don’t count on the last of your toddlers teeth to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb. It’s more realistic to relate it to a long train ride to the Florida Keys; the destination is beautiful but the journey there is filled with uncomfortable, sleepless hours. Your toddler will begin to smack and throw things, including you, and generally act like a turd in frustration. From what??? That is the biggest mystery in life.

Expect to end most days wishing you could act the same and throw everything across the room to feel better. Make sure you don’t do this in front of your toddler because…well…monkey see, monkey do. If your little one still show affection towards you at some point in the day, then you might as well just ride out this crazy train.

A Look ahead: Paranoia and believing you’re better parents than all of your friends.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Week 94

Week 94: Resemblance of a human being – Status: Officially Dressed.

Your Life: Look at me! Look at me! I’m…I’m…a mess.

These days you are expected to get out the door in the mornings 45 minutes after waking up. This is why folks refer to mothers as miracle workers. Don’t even bother plugging in that curling iron, dearest. It’s just not going to happen. You can consider yourself lucky to make it out into the world with make up on and an outfit that matches AND fits. Not to worry. Your co-workers/fellow mommas/general population outside of your home will not pay much attention to that little sock stuck to your pant leg. The world understands that you are not part of the adult A-team anymore. Most will be happy you were able to remember to change your clothes at all.

On another note, your partner in crime AKA: spouse/significant other is completely confused by your manic parenting decisions. HELP HIM EAT. NO! DON’T HELP HIM EAT! S/he doesn’t know whether to “scratch his watch or wind his butt”.* It’s best for all involved if you stop delivering parenting instructions and/or advice to anyone. Just commiserate and do your best to help the situation. If you want to make a decision about what you are or are not going to do for your toddler, then spend some time talking about it after you put your little one to bed. Working together is crucial when surviving a toddler.

How your baby is growing: Dr. Teeth or Cookie Monster?

You can expect your toddler to embarrass you in front of your daycare provider when you come to pick him/her up by running away from you while you try desperately to put on his/her coat. S/he may even tell you bye-bye then break into a full-on meltdown whenever you say the words, “Go home”. This will make you feel like your child is demonstrating how awful it is to live with you but rest assured your daycare provider has seen it all.

On top of all of this s/he will also be in the midst of cutting those final molars. This brings joy to your heart because it means the light at the end of the teething tunnel is shining brightly. However, it also adds to the emotional rollercoaster your toddler embarks on every day. S/he will continue to resemble cookie monster until it’s all over and those poor bathtub letters don’t stand a chance. Perhaps you should keep those hidden away until the pearly whites are finished sprouting.

A Look ahead: Sick? Not sick just teething? Regardless, your little one is mega-cranky with a runny nose and you’re suspicious. No rest for the weary. Be sure to keep all hands and feet inside the car at all times and enjoy the ride!

*Quote is from the movie Steel Magnolias. I think this movie was referenced last week…I can’t keep up with myself.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Week 93

Week 93: Who’s the boss? – Status: Confused.

Your Life: I’M the parent.

Remember all those annoying comments from your parents and friends who already had children about how being a parent is the hardest job in the world? Yeah. What they know, you thought. I’m so awesome it’s impossible my kid will not think I’m the greatest and I will have all the answer’s because I went to college and stuff like that. Bhaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha! Good one. *Sigh* At this point it’s likely you’ve decided that you were not meant to be a parent. (They totally just let you take that baby home without a test or rules or anything!) This is irrational and completely normal. Expect to come to these ridiculous conclusions once a day. It’s called: Being a parent.

Perhaps its separation anxiety or perhaps it’s just the universe picking on you again because now your toddler will cry when you leave him/her at daycare but also cry’s when you pick him/her up from daycare. What?! Are those tears of joy or sadness? Furthermore, you’ll be happy to discover the ever-looming presence of the terrible two’s. Talk about bi-polar. This week will bring major frustration when all you want to do is care for your toddler but all your toddler wants to do is run around the kitchen with a popsicle stick in his/her mouth, a pencil in the other hand and socks that you swear have been greased for maximum probability of tumbling to disaster. It’s ok to take the sharp objects away, even if he/she cry’s about it for a minute. YOU. ARE. THE. PARENT. Regardless of your doubts, you know what’s best. Maybe the answers are not always clear like how does one convince a child to eat at the table? Bargain? Discipline? But you know the common sense stuff and most of the time that’s what it takes.

How your baby is growing: The boss.

Your toddler may or may not be talking in clear sentences yet. If he/she is you’ll find joy in how he/she asks for things and tells you about his/her day; however you may also find challenges as well. Your family sits down for dinner, your toddler refuses the food presented and now requests in the sweetest, most charming voice, “Bonana. Bonana please Mommy.” Game on. What’s your move?! You want your child to eat but you want the food to be a balanced meal. Damn it! Being a parent is like, the hardest job in the world! It’s best to insist your toddler take a few bites of dinner and then reward him/her with the “Bonana”. Besides, you’re eating dinner and a piece of angel food cake at the same time. Hypocrite. Then again, you ARE the parent. Or is it really that your toddler is the boss. Hmmmm….Checkmate.

You can expect your toddler will scream bloody murder when it comes time for a bath. Toys don’t work and even your Almighty, Glorious and Awesome partner can’t convince your little one to get in the tub. Remember the days when you could just pick your baby up and put him/her wherever you wanted/needed?  The saving grace is that by the time you’ve survived the tub and pj party, you’ll get to read books which always results in snuggles and sweet baby talk. Time for night-night…and some much needed foot-propping-book-reading for Momma.

A Look ahead: “I can’t hear myself think!”-Sallie Field in the Steel Magnolias. Music in the background, food on the stove, dogs chewing bones, a toddler running around in circles asking for an orange and you trying to hear how your significant other’s day was at work. This is your life. It’s crazy and full.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Week 92

Week 92: Ah…Joyous schedule, you have returned – Status: Relieved and edgy.

Your Life: A pat on the back.

This week you will finally see that sweet little bundle of joy that was hiding behind the exorcist during the last two weeks of sickness. Yes, the night-waking-nothing-is-exciting-I’m-not-interested-in-any-of-my-toys have finally gone back to bed. No more walking about the living room moaning and refusing to eat anything you make for dinner. The glorious eating and sleeping schedules have returned and you are finally settling back down to your long awaited evening break on the couch with a giant bag of powdered donuts. Dig in girlfriend! A week off of work with a sick, unhappy toddler permits you to enjoy whatever scrumptious delight you desire. Oh! Don’t forget to single handedly feed and bath your toddler, clean the kitchen and pack all lunches for the next day before you sit down. Clearly good deeds never go unpunished.

How your baby is growing: Surviving on air.

Your toddler may now understand more words than you realize. In other words, don’t say things such as, “Work fucking sucked ass today” because your little one will inevitably repeat it instantaneously. It may sound more like, “Wook ducking sucked dotay” but close enough. When this happens, don’t laugh. Just ignore it and distract your child by playing with something they particularly love. Enjoy the moment with your significant other in the next room while the two of you comment on your superior parenting skills.

You can expect your toddler to refuse all food that is not a fruit or a donut. He/She will eat almost anything your daycare provider offers but at home the favorite food is air. Mmmm…air, so fresh and filling. You’ll continue to fight the good fight; attempting to coerce your little food critic into eating while on the edge of a breakdown because you are certain you are the worst mommy in the whole world. Never fear, that little nugget will munch on some cucumber and a turkey sandwich for daddy when you’re not paying attention. Isn’t that swell??!! It’s apparent your toddler loves daddy the most.

A Look ahead: You’re the devil who makes your toddler eat, sleep and… gasp you wipe his face after each meal. Tragic. Look forward to another round of separation anxiety; short but painful. Hooray!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Mothers Confessional? Yeah, why not!

I suffered from post-partum depression after having my son in 2010. It had always been my intention to write every week what was happening as a form of therapy. When I returned to work and had several humorous conversations with co workers at lunch I realized I could spin my suffering into humor and perhaps help for others. Since I have neglected this blog for a couple of months with the feeling I had nothing to say, I have decided to write about those experiences.

I'm sure anyone reading this who has had a child will know about those weekly updates you get from popular baby sites that report "what the baby is doing" and "what you can expect". For me, that stuff was so fluffy and not realistic. I jokingly said that I would write an honest version of that as a blog to my coworkers who, in turn, really felt it was a great idea. So....below you will read the first two entries I wrote and never published in 2010. Going forward, I will begin with the current week (week 92) and continue forward. I hope this will be funny, enlightening, sweet and informative to all.

Week 19: Post Baby Arrival – Status: Awake, functioning at minimum capacity.

Your Life: Cursing like a sailor

This week you can expect to drop the F bomb three times before everyday and have a headache by that you thought a Pepsi would cure only to sadly come to terms with reality and know that you’ve just added more cushion to your already expanded hips and rear end. Some mothers can expect to eat dinner before but assume you won’t. In exchange you will likely eat a chocolate chip cookie while washing bottles and Facebook stalking all your hip friends who have enough freedom to eat dinner and watch a movie whenever they feel like it. Be sure to get some sleep before those feedings that your significant other is supposed to do.

How your baby is growing: From the floor to the high chair

Your baby will likely be waiting on the floor when you get home everyday from work under a musical caterpillar fussing because nothing is right in the world. Expect to change at least 5 diapers by and have your hooray my baby loves his new high chair dream crushed when said baby breaks out in full meltdown mode after being strapped in for only two minutes. He/She may hold his/her head up during tummy time but will do it better than ever while you attempt to burp him/her. This position allows for optimum spit up action which will project down your back and somehow miss the burp cloth entirely.

A Look ahead: Next month you get to replace the guilt you felt during those nasty immunization shots for the guilt of leaving your baby at daycare for the first time ever!

Week 20: Post Baby Arrival – Status: Anxious and hungry.


This week you will find joy in cereal. No not you, the baby. You don’t get to eat food at home again until your baby is at least three years old. Some will experience happiness when hitting this milestone and others will realize their OCD trigger has just been pushed. Yes messy fingers, mouth, nose, eyebrows, ears, hair, arms, outfit and of course you. As soon as you reach out to wipe that sweet little face your baby is sure to take a big sniff and suck all wet cereal into his nose. So that’s what Q tips are for!! Meanwhile you will have gone so many days without eating dinner that you won’t feel hungry in the evening anymore. Yes! That’s one way to get rid of that baby fat. Not so healthy but then who wants to cook dinner anyway. Never fear, you’ll get all the calories you need for five days with one lunchtime Big Mac and fry combo.

How your baby is growing: Fast & Slow…No wait, too fast or maybe too slow?

Those tiny fingers and toes are getting bigger. Hooray! Whoa Nelly, don’t get too excited. Now that your baby is getting bigger he/she is expected to increase those developmental achievements. You may notice your little bundle of joy still isn’t pushing up on his/her arms during tummy time, isn’t saying things like “ga-ga, ba-ba, da-da” and isn’t eating steak and potato’s yet. You will become paranoid that your child is developing too slowly. You will believe you are a terrible mother. You will begin to ramble about this to everyone you know, who will tell you that you are being “crazy” and not to worry since he/she is obviously developing at a normal pace. This will only make you feel more paranoid. Big Mac anyone?

You can expect your baby to begin making raspberries and babbling to you while you get sentimental about how fast he/she is growing. Pretty soon it will be off to school and sneaking out with friends at . Insert rapid flashbacks to your teenage years here. Man, that baby is growing too fast.

A Look ahead: Good bye rocking chair, hello bouncy ball! If you want your baby to take a nap you better bounce monkey, bounce. That exercise ball had only been used once previously to the baby’s arrival. Now you own two so you can have one in every room the baby sleeps.

Wow! Things have really changed. Stay tuned...