Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Week 92

Week 92: Ah…Joyous schedule, you have returned – Status: Relieved and edgy.

Your Life: A pat on the back.

This week you will finally see that sweet little bundle of joy that was hiding behind the exorcist during the last two weeks of sickness. Yes, the night-waking-nothing-is-exciting-I’m-not-interested-in-any-of-my-toys have finally gone back to bed. No more walking about the living room moaning and refusing to eat anything you make for dinner. The glorious eating and sleeping schedules have returned and you are finally settling back down to your long awaited evening break on the couch with a giant bag of powdered donuts. Dig in girlfriend! A week off of work with a sick, unhappy toddler permits you to enjoy whatever scrumptious delight you desire. Oh! Don’t forget to single handedly feed and bath your toddler, clean the kitchen and pack all lunches for the next day before you sit down. Clearly good deeds never go unpunished.

How your baby is growing: Surviving on air.

Your toddler may now understand more words than you realize. In other words, don’t say things such as, “Work fucking sucked ass today” because your little one will inevitably repeat it instantaneously. It may sound more like, “Wook ducking sucked dotay” but close enough. When this happens, don’t laugh. Just ignore it and distract your child by playing with something they particularly love. Enjoy the moment with your significant other in the next room while the two of you comment on your superior parenting skills.

You can expect your toddler to refuse all food that is not a fruit or a donut. He/She will eat almost anything your daycare provider offers but at home the favorite food is air. Mmmm…air, so fresh and filling. You’ll continue to fight the good fight; attempting to coerce your little food critic into eating while on the edge of a breakdown because you are certain you are the worst mommy in the whole world. Never fear, that little nugget will munch on some cucumber and a turkey sandwich for daddy when you’re not paying attention. Isn’t that swell??!! It’s apparent your toddler loves daddy the most.

A Look ahead: You’re the devil who makes your toddler eat, sleep and… gasp you wipe his face after each meal. Tragic. Look forward to another round of separation anxiety; short but painful. Hooray!

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