Monday, February 27, 2012

Week 97

Week 97: Craft corner gets messy. – Status: Shiny.

Your Life: A happy little cloud.

This week you learn the truths and myths about crafting materials. Your toddler will put any medium to the test and along with it, your house. Expect to scrub paint out of your carpets, chalk out of your new coat and find stickers on the kitchen table that refuse to peel off. Yes, folks! It’s arts and crafts time! Good intentions of making a special birthday card to Grandma will go down the tub the instant “washable paint” is slopped on to the living room carpet. Your brilliant ideas will bite you in the ass, as usual.

Never mind the sheer joy your toddler takes in sidewalk chalking your car door, you will be busy vacuuming up every speckle of glitter that got mysteriously dumped into the kitchen cupboard. Forget the traditional smock, wrap your toddler in your own t-shirt and strap him/her to the dining room chair. That babies gonna get crazy with his color mixing and compositional style. Watch out Bob Ross.

How your baby is growing: Open up and say Ahhhh.

By now your toddler may be:

A. Done teething.
B. Almost done teething.
C. Halfway done teething.
D. Nowhere near done teething.
E. Chewing on everything s/he can find.

You have fun with that.

A Look ahead: Is that a grey hair?!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Week 96

Week 96: Ha-ha this-a-way, Ha-ha that-a-way – Status: Grouchy

Your Life: It’s really funny how that’s not so funny.

You become paranoid that your child may never gain another pound now that s/he has refused to eat a full meal in your presence. You will share this with all of your friends and coworkers, who will inevitably tell you that it’s “just a phase”. Pfft…what do they know?! SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! IT MUST BE ME! This is what you will scream in your head as they regale stories of their own children not eating or surviving on air for an entire year. What?! No. That is not happening in your house. All of this information will somehow distract you into thinking that you are obviously a better parent because you are going to make sure your toddler is well nourished; even if you have to trick him/her into eating at every meal.

Expect to have a rocky start to this week with your significant other. While playing a game called “Grouchy Bear” your significant other will make a “joke” that Mommy is always grouchy. Queue the eye rolling and silent treatment. This statement was, in fact, meant to be a joke but since you are covered in banana goo and cleaning up the kitchen after your precious family it doesn’t sound that way in your mind. The temptation to say something nasty in return is buried as you furiously Swiffer the kitchen floor. Eventually the week brings back your sense of humor and with it a reminder that you can’t survive your toddler without help. Bad jokes aside your partner continues to support you even when you’re grouchy.

How your baby is growing: Still a baby.

Somehow just when you think your toddler is no longer a baby s/he does something that reminds you s/he isn’t yet graduating from college. Your toddler will laugh hysterically at a funny face you make while dressing in pjs for bed. No matter how many times you do this face it brings a huge smile and giggle as if s/he is 8 months old again.

You’ll find this is a time of transition for your toddler. Nearing the second birthday with strange behavior and at times these glimpses of what it was like when s/he was an infant. Most days your toddler acts like a total butt-face. The favorite word no is now replaced with a scream or perhaps if you’re really lucky the phrase STOP IT!!! It’s likely all of these special communicators will occur while you’re out in public so that the entire world can observe your lack of parenting skills attempts to appease the dragon.

A Look ahead: Art and crafts time gets real.

Week 95

Week 95: Someone’s Gonna Get Hurt – Status: Hormonal

Your Life: A Bitch-Slap from Karma.

By now, if you are a working gal, you have finally discovered the joys of escaping going to work. Freedom from family stress for 8 glorious hours. There are, of course, exceptions to this bliss. Days when you are sick, your toddler is sick, you have some stressful presentation to do or you have to work for 8 hours and then stay until 9pm for a three hour meeting. By the time you get home from any of these situations you are stretched thin and/or your toddler is already fast asleep in his/her crib. While you crash on to the couch to take a peek at the monitor you suddenly feel an overwhelming since of sadness. Yes, you missed the stressful moments of the day but you missed the most amazing moments with your little one as well. Guilt rapidly consumes you and the waterworks begin. The day before your toddler wanted nothing to do with you which made you feel terrible. You looked forward to an entire day free of child duties and now…karma has slapped your mommy face.

Buck up. The next day will bring the old routine back and you may be wishing for another break. Balancing family, work, friends and freedom is almost impossible. You can’t be good at everything all the time; however you will continue to try which inevitably leads to a private pity party in the bathroom. Expect to work through two meltdowns this week that have more to do with the raging hormones all women are blessed with than the actual situation that’s got you upset. Yeah, there still hanging around years after you’ve given birth. Awesome. I think it’s time for a cupcake with chocolate frosting.

How your baby is growing: Drop-kicking it out of the park.

Don’t count on the last of your toddlers teeth to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb. It’s more realistic to relate it to a long train ride to the Florida Keys; the destination is beautiful but the journey there is filled with uncomfortable, sleepless hours. Your toddler will begin to smack and throw things, including you, and generally act like a turd in frustration. From what??? That is the biggest mystery in life.

Expect to end most days wishing you could act the same and throw everything across the room to feel better. Make sure you don’t do this in front of your toddler because…well…monkey see, monkey do. If your little one still show affection towards you at some point in the day, then you might as well just ride out this crazy train.

A Look ahead: Paranoia and believing you’re better parents than all of your friends.