I'm sure anyone reading this who has had a child will know about those weekly updates you get from popular baby sites that report "what the baby is doing" and "what you can expect". For me, that stuff was so fluffy and not realistic. I jokingly said that I would write an honest version of that as a blog to my coworkers who, in turn, really felt it was a great idea. So....below you will read the first two entries I wrote and never published in 2010. Going forward, I will begin with the current week (week 92) and continue forward. I hope this will be funny, enlightening, sweet and informative to all.
Week 19: Post Baby Arrival – Status: Awake, functioning at minimum capacity.
Your Life: Cursing like a sailor
This week you can expect to drop the F bomb three times before everyday and have a headache by that you thought a Pepsi would cure only to sadly come to terms with reality and know that you’ve just added more cushion to your already expanded hips and rear end. Some mothers can expect to eat dinner before but assume you won’t. In exchange you will likely eat a chocolate chip cookie while washing bottles and Facebook stalking all your hip friends who have enough freedom to eat dinner and watch a movie whenever they feel like it. Be sure to get some sleep before those feedings that your significant other is supposed to do.
How your baby is growing: From the floor to the high chair
Your baby will likely be waiting on the floor when you get home everyday from work under a musical caterpillar fussing because nothing is right in the world. Expect to change at least 5 diapers by and have your hooray my baby loves his new high chair dream crushed when said baby breaks out in full meltdown mode after being strapped in for only two minutes. He/She may hold his/her head up during tummy time but will do it better than ever while you attempt to burp him/her. This position allows for optimum spit up action which will project down your back and somehow miss the burp cloth entirely.
A Look ahead: Next month you get to replace the guilt you felt during those nasty immunization shots for the guilt of leaving your baby at daycare for the first time ever!
Week 20: Post Baby Arrival – Status: Anxious and hungry.
Your Life: FEED ME
This week you will find joy in cereal. No not you, the baby. You don’t get to eat food at home again until your baby is at least three years old. Some will experience happiness when hitting this milestone and others will realize their OCD trigger has just been pushed. Yes messy fingers, mouth, nose, eyebrows, ears, hair, arms, outfit and of course you. As soon as you reach out to wipe that sweet little face your baby is sure to take a big sniff and suck all wet cereal into his nose. So that’s what Q tips are for!! Meanwhile you will have gone so many days without eating dinner that you won’t feel hungry in the evening anymore. Yes! That’s one way to get rid of that baby fat. Not so healthy but then who wants to cook dinner anyway. Never fear, you’ll get all the calories you need for five days with one lunchtime Big Mac and fry combo.
How your baby is growing: Fast & Slow…No wait, too fast or maybe too slow?
Those tiny fingers and toes are getting bigger. Hooray! Whoa Nelly, don’t get too excited. Now that your baby is getting bigger he/she is expected to increase those developmental achievements. You may notice your little bundle of joy still isn’t pushing up on his/her arms during tummy time, isn’t saying things like “ga-ga, ba-ba, da-da” and isn’t eating steak and potato’s yet. You will become paranoid that your child is developing too slowly. You will believe you are a terrible mother. You will begin to ramble about this to everyone you know, who will tell you that you are being “crazy” and not to worry since he/she is obviously developing at a normal pace. This will only make you feel more paranoid. Big Mac anyone?
You can expect your baby to begin making raspberries and babbling to you while you get sentimental about how fast he/she is growing. Pretty soon it will be off to school and sneaking out with friends at . Insert rapid flashbacks to your teenage years here. Man, that baby is growing too fast.
A Look ahead: Good bye rocking chair, hello bouncy ball! If you want your baby to take a nap you better bounce monkey, bounce. That exercise ball had only been used once previously to the baby’s arrival. Now you own two so you can have one in every room the baby sleeps.
Wow! Things have really changed. Stay tuned...